sad..

I like my job. I might even love my job. I look forward to going to work. I know, you're jealous right? The job itself is pretty interesting, not extremely stressful and I work with a lot of pretty great people. Today I got to experience my job from the other side a little bit and it made me fall that much more in love with the people I work with.

When you think of a hospital staff you might have a preconceived notion of their personalities based on TV dramas, or maybe even previous history. I am not saying that our staff does not have its dramas but there is so much people don't see that I get to witness and it never fails to amaze me. Many might think that because people deal with the line between life and death every day they get hardened to it. Some things you just never get used to.

Some people may see the effects of actions and not understand the reasoning behind it. If you're in the lobby of the ER and you are frustrated with the wait time you need to know we have doctors that believe that a person flat lined deserves to receive CPR for as long as JFK was worked on, that is about 40 minutes for those of you that don't know. You would be surprised about how many can get a rhythm back.

You would expect our long term patients to hold special places in our hearts, but know that the ones that walk through the door are quickly promoted past patient status. When a surgery isn't going according to plan the number of people throughout the hospital that are praying is amazing. Compassion in this building goes far beyond "oh that is sad".

When a code is called some people are expected to respond. Then there are some who aren't that sit with baited breath hoping it is a false alarm and praying just in case it isn't.

When we have patients that pull though and get to go home there is often the urge to call them, or send a card just to say, man I am glad you made it! Hippa stinks sometimes. So we are left just hoping they know we are overjoyed.

You don't see the staff that will break down after a patient leaves with a bad diagnosis, realizes the chemo isn't working or walks out with only a bag of belongings. Just because you don't see them don't think they are not there. They don't need to know the details of your life to want you to return to it.

But our hospital is special in other ways. We have the reputation. We fix the hearts and we do it well. Top 100 in the nation for years and years and that is not a label that is easily earned. Much skill is involved and lets face it, the cardiologists have it.

We have certain heart surgeries that the patients are instantly on our close to the heart list. They come in the night before, they register and we get to try to ease the worry on their face. We look at the person sitting with them equally as scared and we assure them the hands they are in are the best, because they are. As we look at these patients they don't look sick. They walk in, they laugh their nervous laugh they spend a restless night upstairs and go for their bypass bright and early. The way this goes is they are out by noon and in the unit 2-4 days and then they get moved to a step down floor and go live their lives healthy and happy with a fixed heart.

When one of these cases doesn't go well there are many departments that are aware. Recovery is waiting for them, bedboard is waiting to transfer them, the unit has a nurse ready and waiting.

The other night a dear family friend arrived to have this procedure done. My husband and her husband have worked together for years. They come to birthday parties, we went to the same church, they watched my children grow up. When she was checking in I found her and joked that I was going to do her makeup while she was still out of it and make her purdy. She and her husband gushed about my children to the sweet woman taking their info and she responded with stories herself. They came by my office to say goodnight on their way to radiology.

I got to work yesterday expecting her to be settled into the unit, but she was still in surgery. They said she had a lot of stuff done and it was ok. It is reasonable. 7 o'clock. 8 o'clock. She is still there and it isn't looking good. Without talking you can hear the concern in everyones voice. But the doctors have not given up and that is comforting.

Then about 930 we learn she is gone.

It is hard to lose these patients. It is RARE to lose these patients. In the almost 5 years I have been at this hospital I can only think of a few that have not made it. Each time brought sadness

Several things bring comfort on this side. I know how much of the staff was praying for her. I know how many people that never had the honor of meeting this woman were heartbroken in hearing she didn't make it. I saw the staff, their genuine sadness and compassion when the family, in the fog of their own grief didn't look up to see who was touching their arm. I heard the families wishes being fulfilled and saw how people didn't mind in the least to make it happen even if it might have caused them to do extra. Above and beyond is something that is very commonplace here and that is refreshing every time I witness it.

Some might argue that we save as many lives as we do because we are state of the art and I am sure that has a lot to do with it. I am sure the talent and skill of our doctors doesn't hurt. But on nights like tonight I can't help but think that maybe we save so many because they care so much. The doctors didn't give up. They fought long and hard to find a way to bring her back, I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt they were there hours longer than they had to be and it is comforting to walk away knowing they did everything they possibly could. Possibly several times over.

You'll Never Guess What Hubby Brought Home

Hubby was off work today and decided to go pick up some hay from his friends farm for our goats. He took Maddie with him because his friend had some calves and thought she would like to see the babies. awe.

I got home after picking up Sarah and hitting the Kroger sale again and I notice a wooden crate thing on the side of the house up on some barrels. hurm. My first thought is animal... too small for a cow. Maddie is bouncing up and down and chattering at me before I am even parked.

I get out and she tells me they have bunnies! with an S. BunnieSSSSS. How many you ask? 4. Four. Four bunnieSSSS.

I go and they are sweet. You can tell they have been handled, no kicking when you pick them up, they just cuddle up to you and settle in for lovin. awe. So I have to ask .Why 4? He tells me his friend has been trying to talk him into getting some for a while and he finally caved and said he would take ONE. His friend said you can't just take one, you have 2 kids, so he ended up with 4.

I don't know how people in Greenback do math but I am still confused trying to figure this one out.

Then he tells me there were like 30 there to choose from and he thinks that we have all girls. THINKS. I said, um, even if we do have ALL GIRLS, how many are currently with bunny?? Then I get the oh, I never thought of that look....

I guess we will know in a few weeks just how many bunnieSSS hubby brought home today. lol. I am going to be running a bunny farm!

My Super Fun Morning! :(

I was so excited today! I got out of the house on time to take Sarah to school!! Yea, so I didn't have make up on, but I did brush my hair and teeth and changed out of my jammies so that is a success in itself. Madison was still in her jammies, but who cares she is 3 and doesn't leave the truck.

We pull out of the driveway and I notice the wheels feel weird and there is a noise when turning. I think it is wet leaves on the tires and it will get better in a second. No.

I pull into a subdivision all of 300 feet from my house and my tire is flat. Not LOW. Flat. gone. CRAP!

My BIL is at work, I call my dad who is sleeping and my mom says she will come help. k.

I call Hubby to tell him what happened and he starts telling me how to get the spare out of the back of the truck. What?

I have never in my life changed a tire. That sounds pitiful doesn't it? I have a brother and a father and a husband and awesome homegrown finger nails.

No, I am kidding, Sorta. That is all true, but I am not that type of girl. I get dirty, I break nails. I just have never HAD TO do this particular task before. I don't even know HOW to move the back seat to get to the jack and... yeah.

I am trying to keep track of my children because they think because they are standing on grass it is a yard and they can play. NO TAG!! All the while trying to figure out how to get my truck to release the spare, because it is not lowering as I turn the key in the box that says "turn for spare". It is supposed to lower from under the bed of the truck. Riight...

Then my mother calls me, don't you have AAA??

Well. I guess this would be one of the situations I would use that for!! OF COURSE! So I call, as my mom is driving up. Lets take Sarah to school! The lady tells me to stay with the vehicle... uh huh. I assure her as I am buckeling in to my mothers car and driving away.

My mother drives slow by the way. I understand she is not used to the roads and it is curvey and wet and she is being safe but I am freaking out. We get to Sarahs School and we are a minute late. I am supposed to walk her in and sign a late slip but I am giving directions to the AAA feller and well... They can call and yell at me later.

We get back to the truck and he is not there yet. YEA! I thank my mother and she runs to get ready for work, and get her Sams Card so I can go get my tire fixed after I get my spare on. I start to unload the back seat of the truck because it looks like, well, like a 3 and 5 year old sit/eat/color/play back there. He shows up and Maddie starts freaking out because he is a guy and she does not like boys. I tell her to just sit in the truck and be good he is here to help us.
So the very nice guy pulls out his air pump and inflates the tire.

He asks if it was low yesterday? (crickets chirping...)

I DROVE it yesterday but I didn't LOOK at the tire. I HATE it when I sound like a girl. But I don't know! I function on 4 hours sleep, I am lucky I remember to feed the children. He shows me the marks on the tire that mean it has been low, he explains that with the drastic temperature changes we have been having I need to look at the tires more often because it causes them to lose pressure fast.

So I guess if you put aside the inconvience of it all everything turned out OK. Sarah got to school, I don't need to buy new tires, and when I got home, my dog, who HATES being left outside but who wouldn't listen to me that morning so I left his happy butt outside to show him I was serious when I told him I would do it, was sitting on the porch waiting for me. Now I am going to go outside and practice changing my tires...

Man, I'm a Jerk

Every morning it is a battle. I am grumpy because I had to get up after 4 hours sleep. The girls are in no hurry and I have to tell them over and over and over and over again to do everything. Madison is potty trained but still wears a pull up at night in case she has an accident.
Twice last week instead of going potty she laid on the couch "cold" and peed in her pull up. This just makes me mad because it is laziness not anything she doesn't have control over.

So today I am getting onto them, get dressed, go potty, get dressed, go potty, get dressed,.. My whole morning!

Maddie is in her room whining about not being able to find any pants that are 4's. I go in there and grab a pair that are sitting right in front of her and say, Go potty before you pee in your pull up. To which she replies "I already did."

GRRRRRR

What do you mean you already did! How many times did I tell you to go potty today! "lots" So I tell her to go put her butt on the potty and take her pullup off I will be there in a minute to clean her up! She is crying. The whole time. This is not unusual, this child spends the majority of her day crying. It is what she does.

So I go in there and I tell her that babies pee in pull ups and I thought she was a big girl.
She is crying. I tell her to stop crying and come here. I go to take her pull up off and it is dry.

Madison! You didn't pee in your pull up!
"I know."
Why did you tell me you did??
"I said I already did go POTTY."

I was guilt tripping my kid when she did nothing wrong. So then I tell her Mommy is soo sorry she got mad at her to which the child starts crying AGAIN! So then I start crying cause I hurt her feelings! I ask her why she didn't tell me to stop yelling at her cause she went potty and she just shrugs her shoulders and said I made her sad.

Yea. I suck.

Kindergarten

My baby started kindergarten. Old news to some but I keep meaning to write this down so here you go. :)

I had Maddie spend the night at my mothers house so I could properly savor the moments. We get up and she has an outfit picked out that is most definately against the dress code, dress with spaghetti straps and flip flops but I am going to pretend I don't know because she looks adorable.

I give her a bath, french braid her hair give her cereal and take pictures. The kid is very excited. For weeks she has been bouncing off the wall. The night before I called home and hubby says Sarah put herself to bed a half hour early because she wanted morning to get here faster. I ask him why, if she has been in bed for 2 hours can I hear her in the background? The kid is in her bed giggling to herself too excited to sleep.

We get to the school after pictures outside, pictures of her buckling into her car seat and pictures of her riding to school and she tells me she does not have time for any more pictures! Bah.

So I walk my bouncing kid inside and we go to the table we are supposed to register at, I get a card for pick up and directions to walk her into this room and LEAVE HER (those people are brutal) then go to the library to meet with the principal.

I walk her into the class and it is at this point my child leaves me. Walks away. There are mothers around me with kids clinging, crying, hugging. My kid? Gone. Yep. She sat herself down at a table and is happily coloring. WHAT? Um. Mommy needs a hug! Not a goodbye, not a be good, not a I will miss you! Just... gone.

I walk towards her to give her a hug where I am intercepted and told to "go on over to the library mom, she is fine." I know she is fine. I can see that She is fine! Mommy is not fine!

I get to the library and sit down. The assistant principal is there going over basics, pick up, lunch, website, yeah, got it people. Then the principal comes in. The principal who, I am sure under any other circumstances is charming, starts off his time to talk by reading us a book. His pick? The Kissing Hand. Have you read it? I had not until that day and lemme tell you, that is not a book you read to a room full of emotional parents that didn't get to hug their kid goodbye today! It is a story about a momma raccoon who is preparing her kid for school and kisses his hand and says when you miss mommy put your hand to your face and that is me kissing you. When they get to school the baby raccoon kisses his mommas hand and tells HER when you miss me hold your hand to your face.

Stupid book.

When they were talking about pick up they said you could either come in with your card, or use car line. I was thinking, well I got robbed of my departure so I can go get her and get a joyous reunion!

I walk in the door with my card and am pounced upon by a teacher who shoos me out the door so the kids can practice. Why tell me I can come in if your going to yell at me for coming in!
So much for a joyous reunion. I get in line, I show them my card, they walkie talkie inside the school to send Sarah to the green cone.

Then my child is in my car. I ask her how school was, and she says very dryly, fine. What? I dropped this kid off 4 hours ago wired for sound and now she looked defeated. I ask her what is wrong, she says nothing. I know my child, I know there is something wrong. I was not completely on board with this kindergarten at 4 idea I will pull her out after 4 hours! She tells me she got in trouble.

See, if this was Madison and you told me she stabbed someone with a pencil I would believe it. But Sarah is my pleaser. The kid wants to help and make you happy, if she did something wrong it is because she didn't know, so I tell her to tell me so we can talk about it and make sure she doesn't get in trouble again.

She tells me they kicked her out of school. I am confused. She says
" I was in the gym playing with my new friends and they yelled at me put my backpack on and kicked me out of school!"
Just now when I picked you up?
"yeah."

So when they called into the school for her they had to get her to the green cone fast and when they called her name and sent her to me she thought she was in trouble and got kicked out of school.

Poor kid.

blah

So hubby and I figured we would get the girls guinea pigs for Easter. Sounds cute right? I have never had one, although I did have hamsters. Surely guinea pigs are better than hamsters right?

I picked out my hamster because she bit me. I was young and stupid and thought that I wanted a feisty one. Yea..
So after a week or so I feel things in her belly. I tell my parents that my hamster is preggo. No, couldn't be, crazy 13 year old is imagining things. The lumps inside her belly? Tumors. Have to be tumors.
I think they were in denial.
Anywho, a couple weeks later I wake up and lo and behold.. babies. 9 of them. Cuter than cute on cute I tell you, I don't care if they were bald and looked like little maggots with legs they were BABY HAMSTERS! I loved them.
She however... I donno.
I tell myself that they died. Her babies were dying off one a day of natural causes (maybe I wanted to be a crazy 13 year old ok). I want to believe she wasn't eating them alive. I know! ick!! I was tramatized!! Except MY hampster was a little evil I think because she would always leave a leg. One uneaten egg in her nest with the others. Maybe she was taunting them, all "you better be good or I will eat you, and I am NOT bluffing!"
Sigh
I saved the last two, loved them until they died of NATURAL causes. Sick hamster.

So of course, guinea pigs have to be better than THAT right?

Well, I wouldn't know.

I tried to find a guinea pig, 2 in time for Easter. Apparently these rodents are a rarity. We have a Guinea pig rescue in town. I have called, emailed.. no response. I was WILLING to sign application forms and do their house check/meeting to make sure I knew what I was getting myself into. I say Willing because they have them in a petstore, but I was thinking hey, lets get them from somewhere OTHER then the guinea pig mill... right? Right.
And I figure these have been in someone elses care for a while, I can trust they wouldn't be knocked up when I brought it home.

They said they have TONS of these things running around needing homes. I have a home in need of little rodents running around.

(sigh)

I tried to talk my husband into getting a cat instead. I say, with a cat we don't need to buy a cage, and bedding and water spicket, and toys and 4 types of food or anything to gnaw on. We need a food bowl and a litter box. It is SOOO much easier to change a litter box instead of a guinea pig cage.
I think he is still tramatized by Baxter...

So here I sit. No kitty. No rodents. blah.

Weeeeee

So for my birthday hubby has surprised me with a Wii Fit. I say surprised me because we had agreed or so I thought that we didn't need to spend the money and he couldn't find it anyway. But lo and behold one arrived to my doorstep 2 days ago.

I can only say.. wow. I can't tell you how many things I have bought with the intention of utilizing them and getting in shape. I also cant tell you where they all are because after they sit out for a few months hubby puts them out of the way. I find them every so often covered in dust and think... oh THATS where THAT went. huh.
But that is about the end of it.

The only thing that has survived is the balance ball. But more in that it is multi functional. It soothes a crying baby faster than nyquil. Both of mine have loved it. It is also helpful when the girls want me to load a movie, I can sit on that instead of getting on the floor. he he.

Anyway.
I have been sore for 3 days now. A good sore. A fun sore. You really don't feel like your working out. There are a few downsides.

First. The kids love it. The 2 year old can do almost everything. I have to share. I am not good at the sharing.

Second. It weighs you. You have this fun little Mii character that you can make to look like you, right? Yea when it weighs you your cute little mii gets fat. Like PLUMPS up right there and it says "THATS OBESE."
I know I am fat. you don't have to rub it in.

Third. When the girls get on the board to play it says yea! When I get on it is says "OH"

It is a big ol fat joke. Mean little Wii creators. not nice.

Put it does keep track of your progress, and it is really fun. I am hoping this sticks. Since the kids come running into my room every morning wanting to play mommys game I am thinking it might. They play it all day!

OH! It is my turn!!