Tuesday, March 20, 2012

She Likes Us!

I know it has been a looong time since I have posted. I have thought about it many times, and thought about how I prolly SHOULD be keeping track of this process. But honestly, the last year has been pretty hellish filled with anger, and hurt and evil games I didn't want to partake in while they were happening, let alone remember them for years to come. That, and sometimes you can only complain so much before you start to annoy yourself. So I have lived the past 18 months in a desperate attempt to try to keep my family and myself happy and try to keep a little girls future secure. Long story short, last October my husbands sister and her husband died in a motorcycle accident. They had a 3 year old little girl. Hubby and I decided we would file for custody, since we have 2 little girls around her age, we are doing the "raising the kids thing", whats one more?
His mother is the other party involved. Still not going to get into that, because... well, it is what it is and it isn't a happy place for me and this is a happy post.

We have not told this child in the entire time we have been fighting for visitation and in the time since we were awarded joint custody of her that our goal was to have her live with us full time. We figured she was young, just lost her parents and honestly, it confuses us sometimes. It isn't really a conversation you have with a now 5 year old.
I talked to her therapist last month about a good time to tell her and she suggested waiting until after full custody was awarded because she likes stability. Agreed.

When I picked her up Sunday evening she told me that my mother in law told her that she would only be coming to us 4 more weeks, then after that she would only be coming to spend the night with us one day a month. I told her that no one knew what the judge would order yet, that is what her grandmother wants, but we are going to ask the judge to not let that happen and the judge is going to hear what everyone wants and make a decision about what is right.
The next day we are driving to her therapist and she asked me if I want her. I told her of course! She asked if I loved her. I told her very much. I asked her how she felt about what her grandmother had told her about only coming here one day a month and she said that she wouldn't be able to do all the fun stuff we do. I said yea, which is why I didn't want that to happen. She said it was confusing and I told her it was, it was confusing for me too, and we can just be confused together. She asked me who I loved most. I told her I loved all my girls the same! Yes, but who do you love most. I said I can't possibly choose because I really loved them all with all my heart. She said, are you confused? I smiled and said I guess I am. But it is a good thing to be confused about, having so many people you love so much.

So I sat her therapist down and asked about how to answer the questions. She was told from the other side what they wanted and she was trying to ask me what we wanted and I just didn't know how to talk to her without confusing her more. She said it would be best to tell her since it sounds like she wanted to know that we wanted her. She said from her observation of Amber she feels like Amber wants to be with her grandmother, but also wants to be part of our family and she can't quite figure out how to make it work. Sounds right.

So I waited for her to bring it up last night and we never got around to talking. So today we are hanging out going through some clothes and I ask her if we can talk. She said sure! I said, I know you know what your grandmother wants, but do you know what we are going to ask the judge? She said, she thinks we want her to live her. I said we do. We want her to be part of our family. What did she think? She said that her grandmother and her husband couldn't do all the fun stuff we do. I said that was right, and we wanted her to be able to play baseball, and go to Dollywood and on vacations and be a girl scout and play all the time, but more than that, we want her to be part of our family, and have sisters and a family that could take care of her until she grows up and gets married. She hopped in my lap and hugged me so tight! I told her that she would be able to see her grandmother all she wanted, they can come to dinner, they can come to all of her ball games and we can have cookouts. She looked at me and said, no... grandma said I would only get to see her on Christmas if I lived with you. (grrrrr).
I told her that sometimes her grandmother didn't understand everything that was going on, just like we don't always understand everything. But she could go spend the weekend, just like my girls spend the night with Mema and Pa. The whole time she is now leaning against me rubbing my arms and hugging me.
I asked her if she felt better now that we talked, or if she is still confused. She said she wasn't.

So we are putting her new clothes in her drawer, and she said, you know what? I said what baby? She said, I really hope I get to live here.

Me too baby. Me too.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Cow Belle

My daughter turned 6. We asked her for weeks what she wanted for her birthday and for weeks all she said was, A Cow. A cow?? seriously? A Cow that moos?


So a week before her birthday we ask her again. What do you want for your birthday? A COW! ok. I look at Hubby and suggest he find a cow by Tuesday. The next day I am making dinner and I get a text that says "I got a cow".

So we didn't tell her and Cow Belle arrived Sunday night. She is beautiful don't you think?

Thursday, April 8, 2010

I read The Shack. gggrrrr

Spoiler alert- if you have not read this book but plan to, I am going to talk about some details that you might want to read WHILE reading the book. But if you are like me and would have appreciated fair warning, continue.

I have a friend that is always letting me borrow the books she has to read for class since she knows I am weird like that. The latest was The Shack. I had heard about this book from several places and my impressions of it was that it was a spiritually based story that would refresh my faith and lead me on a journey closer to God. Okay. cool. I did not, however read the back cover.

The book starts talking about a "great sadness" in a mans life and how God helped him through it. I am still good here.

Then about 46 pages in I am no longer ok with this book. SOMEONE should have told me that his 7 year old daughter gets kidnapped and 3 days later they find the place she was murdered, no body, just her bloody dress. I can't read stories about little girls being kidnapped and murdered! I have not seen the movie Taken for exactly this reason! Carrie had babies and lost her ability to enjoy this form of entertainment.

The message of the book is of course wonderful, forgiveness, acceptance, unconditional love. I think that if someone had actually lost a child this would be a great gift to help them work through it. There is a LOT, a lot, a lot of dialogue which forces you to FOCUS on the words and it can drag a bit. But overall... I am not completely mad that I read it. I would have liked to mentally prepare myself though.

Next person that hands me a book about babies dying is going to be very sorry. :)

Thursday, February 4, 2010


I like my job. I might even love my job. I look forward to going to work. I know, you're jealous right? The job itself is pretty interesting, not extremely stressful and I work with a lot of pretty great people. Today I got to experience my job from the other side a little bit and it made me fall that much more in love with the people I work with.

When you think of a hospital staff you might have a preconceived notion of their personalities based on TV dramas, or maybe even previous history. I am not saying that our staff does not have its dramas but there is so much people don't see that I get to witness and it never fails to amaze me. Many might think that because people deal with the line between life and death every day they get hardened to it. Some things you just never get used to.

Some people may see the effects of actions and not understand the reasoning behind it. If you're in the lobby of the ER and you are frustrated with the wait time you need to know we have doctors that believe that a person flat lined deserves to receive CPR for as long as JFK was worked on, that is about 40 minutes for those of you that don't know. You would be surprised about how many can get a rhythm back.

You would expect our long term patients to hold special places in our hearts, but know that the ones that walk through the door are quickly promoted past patient status. When a surgery isn't going according to plan the number of people throughout the hospital that are praying is amazing. Compassion in this building goes far beyond "oh that is sad".

When a code is called some people are expected to respond. Then there are some who aren't that sit with baited breath hoping it is a false alarm and praying just in case it isn't.

When we have patients that pull though and get to go home there is often the urge to call them, or send a card just to say, man I am glad you made it! Hippa stinks sometimes. So we are left just hoping they know we are overjoyed.

You don't see the staff that will break down after a patient leaves with a bad diagnosis, realizes the chemo isn't working or walks out with only a bag of belongings. Just because you don't see them don't think they are not there. They don't need to know the details of your life to want you to return to it.

But our hospital is special in other ways. We have the reputation. We fix the hearts and we do it well. Top 100 in the nation for years and years and that is not a label that is easily earned. Much skill is involved and lets face it, the cardiologists have it.

We have certain heart surgeries that the patients are instantly on our close to the heart list. They come in the night before, they register and we get to try to ease the worry on their face. We look at the person sitting with them equally as scared and we assure them the hands they are in are the best, because they are. As we look at these patients they don't look sick. They walk in, they laugh their nervous laugh they spend a restless night upstairs and go for their bypass bright and early. The way this goes is they are out by noon and in the unit 2-4 days and then they get moved to a step down floor and go live their lives healthy and happy with a fixed heart.

When one of these cases doesn't go well there are many departments that are aware. Recovery is waiting for them, bedboard is waiting to transfer them, the unit has a nurse ready and waiting.

The other night a dear family friend arrived to have this procedure done. My husband and her husband have worked together for years. They come to birthday parties, we went to the same church, they watched my children grow up. When she was checking in I found her and joked that I was going to do her makeup while she was still out of it and make her purdy. She and her husband gushed about my children to the sweet woman taking their info and she responded with stories herself. They came by my office to say goodnight on their way to radiology.

I got to work yesterday expecting her to be settled into the unit, but she was still in surgery. They said she had a lot of stuff done and it was ok. It is reasonable. 7 o'clock. 8 o'clock. She is still there and it isn't looking good. Without talking you can hear the concern in everyones voice. But the doctors have not given up and that is comforting.

Then about 930 we learn she is gone.

It is hard to lose these patients. It is RARE to lose these patients. In the almost 5 years I have been at this hospital I can only think of a few that have not made it. Each time brought sadness

Several things bring comfort on this side. I know how much of the staff was praying for her. I know how many people that never had the honor of meeting this woman were heartbroken in hearing she didn't make it. I saw the staff, their genuine sadness and compassion when the family, in the fog of their own grief didn't look up to see who was touching their arm. I heard the families wishes being fulfilled and saw how people didn't mind in the least to make it happen even if it might have caused them to do extra. Above and beyond is something that is very commonplace here and that is refreshing every time I witness it.

Some might argue that we save as many lives as we do because we are state of the art and I am sure that has a lot to do with it. I am sure the talent and skill of our doctors doesn't hurt. But on nights like tonight I can't help but think that maybe we save so many because they care so much. The doctors didn't give up. They fought long and hard to find a way to bring her back, I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt they were there hours longer than they had to be and it is comforting to walk away knowing they did everything they possibly could. Possibly several times over.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

You'll Never Guess What Hubby Brought Home

Hubby was off work today and decided to go pick up some hay from his friends farm for our goats. He took Maddie with him because his friend had some calves and thought she would like to see the babies. awe.

I got home after picking up Sarah and hitting the Kroger sale again and I notice a wooden crate thing on the side of the house up on some barrels. hurm. My first thought is animal... too small for a cow. Maddie is bouncing up and down and chattering at me before I am even parked.

I get out and she tells me they have bunnies! with an S. BunnieSSSSS. How many you ask? 4. Four. Four bunnieSSSS.

I go and they are sweet. You can tell they have been handled, no kicking when you pick them up, they just cuddle up to you and settle in for lovin. awe. So I have to ask .Why 4? He tells me his friend has been trying to talk him into getting some for a while and he finally caved and said he would take ONE. His friend said you can't just take one, you have 2 kids, so he ended up with 4.

I don't know how people in Greenback do math but I am still confused trying to figure this one out.

Then he tells me there were like 30 there to choose from and he thinks that we have all girls. THINKS. I said, um, even if we do have ALL GIRLS, how many are currently with bunny?? Then I get the oh, I never thought of that look....

I guess we will know in a few weeks just how many bunnieSSS hubby brought home today. lol. I am going to be running a bunny farm!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

My Super Fun Morning! :(

I was so excited today! I got out of the house on time to take Sarah to school!! Yea, so I didn't have make up on, but I did brush my hair and teeth and changed out of my jammies so that is a success in itself. Madison was still in her jammies, but who cares she is 3 and doesn't leave the truck.

We pull out of the driveway and I notice the wheels feel weird and there is a noise when turning. I think it is wet leaves on the tires and it will get better in a second. No.

I pull into a subdivision all of 300 feet from my house and my tire is flat. Not LOW. Flat. gone. CRAP!

My BIL is at work, I call my dad who is sleeping and my mom says she will come help. k.

I call Hubby to tell him what happened and he starts telling me how to get the spare out of the back of the truck. What?

I have never in my life changed a tire. That sounds pitiful doesn't it? I have a brother and a father and a husband and awesome homegrown finger nails.

No, I am kidding, Sorta. That is all true, but I am not that type of girl. I get dirty, I break nails. I just have never HAD TO do this particular task before. I don't even know HOW to move the back seat to get to the jack and... yeah.

I am trying to keep track of my children because they think because they are standing on grass it is a yard and they can play. NO TAG!! All the while trying to figure out how to get my truck to release the spare, because it is not lowering as I turn the key in the box that says "turn for spare". It is supposed to lower from under the bed of the truck. Riight...

Then my mother calls me, don't you have AAA??

Well. I guess this would be one of the situations I would use that for!! OF COURSE! So I call, as my mom is driving up. Lets take Sarah to school! The lady tells me to stay with the vehicle... uh huh. I assure her as I am buckeling in to my mothers car and driving away.

My mother drives slow by the way. I understand she is not used to the roads and it is curvey and wet and she is being safe but I am freaking out. We get to Sarahs School and we are a minute late. I am supposed to walk her in and sign a late slip but I am giving directions to the AAA feller and well... They can call and yell at me later.

We get back to the truck and he is not there yet. YEA! I thank my mother and she runs to get ready for work, and get her Sams Card so I can go get my tire fixed after I get my spare on. I start to unload the back seat of the truck because it looks like, well, like a 3 and 5 year old sit/eat/color/play back there. He shows up and Maddie starts freaking out because he is a guy and she does not like boys. I tell her to just sit in the truck and be good he is here to help us.
So the very nice guy pulls out his air pump and inflates the tire.

He asks if it was low yesterday? (crickets chirping...)

I DROVE it yesterday but I didn't LOOK at the tire. I HATE it when I sound like a girl. But I don't know! I function on 4 hours sleep, I am lucky I remember to feed the children. He shows me the marks on the tire that mean it has been low, he explains that with the drastic temperature changes we have been having I need to look at the tires more often because it causes them to lose pressure fast.

So I guess if you put aside the inconvience of it all everything turned out OK. Sarah got to school, I don't need to buy new tires, and when I got home, my dog, who HATES being left outside but who wouldn't listen to me that morning so I left his happy butt outside to show him I was serious when I told him I would do it, was sitting on the porch waiting for me. Now I am going to go outside and practice changing my tires...

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Man, I'm a Jerk

Every morning it is a battle. I am grumpy because I had to get up after 4 hours sleep. The girls are in no hurry and I have to tell them over and over and over and over again to do everything. Madison is potty trained but still wears a pull up at night in case she has an accident.
Twice last week instead of going potty she laid on the couch "cold" and peed in her pull up. This just makes me mad because it is laziness not anything she doesn't have control over.

So today I am getting onto them, get dressed, go potty, get dressed, go potty, get dressed,.. My whole morning!

Maddie is in her room whining about not being able to find any pants that are 4's. I go in there and grab a pair that are sitting right in front of her and say, Go potty before you pee in your pull up. To which she replies "I already did."


What do you mean you already did! How many times did I tell you to go potty today! "lots" So I tell her to go put her butt on the potty and take her pullup off I will be there in a minute to clean her up! She is crying. The whole time. This is not unusual, this child spends the majority of her day crying. It is what she does.

So I go in there and I tell her that babies pee in pull ups and I thought she was a big girl.
She is crying. I tell her to stop crying and come here. I go to take her pull up off and it is dry.

Madison! You didn't pee in your pull up!
"I know."
Why did you tell me you did??
"I said I already did go POTTY."

I was guilt tripping my kid when she did nothing wrong. So then I tell her Mommy is soo sorry she got mad at her to which the child starts crying AGAIN! So then I start crying cause I hurt her feelings! I ask her why she didn't tell me to stop yelling at her cause she went potty and she just shrugs her shoulders and said I made her sad.

Yea. I suck.