Thursday, February 26, 2009

Maddies Big Day.

The day started out with me and my children going to my mothers house and sitting around looking at each other bored. Sarah asked if Mema would cut her bangs cause they were in her eyes. Sarah got her bangs cut and Maddie asked for hers cut. Mema is getting ready to when I say, lets just go get her hair cut. I have been meaning to for a while. You see, her hair is crazy. She has 2, count em 2 cowlicks. Both going in opposite directions. The top of her hair is straight. Underneath? Curley. So she has this volume from the curls which is cute, but the top strands that are straight stick straight out of her head. I can't leave it down cause she looks like a crazy wild child.

She is sooo brave. We are driving and she says, after we get my hair cut Mighty Maddie wants blue earwings. I ignore her. My mom says, lets do it. I tell her no. Hubby has this thing against earrings. Wants them to be old enough to know what they are asking for. I would have had them done when they were babies, but some things aren't important enough to battle over, this is one of them. I tell my mom no earrings, not gonna fight.
I call hubby and the miracle of miracles happens, he says he doesn't care.
So I tell Madison. Daddy said you can get your ears pierced. She immediately says no. What? When I said daddy wouldn't let you get them done you wanted them. I tell you he said you can and now you don't want them? She says yep.
I tell her Daddy said no and she says Mighty Maddie wants bwew earwings!! Whatever kid. Lets go get your hair cut.
We get in the hair cuttin place and she is determined. They call her name and she marches up there and sits down and tells her she is going go get her hair cut! She sits still, poses for pictures. My big girl.... hair looks crazy as usual, but shorter. I will have to find a magician for her hair apparently.
She struts out. Lets go get my ears pierced! She proclaims. Fine.
We go to Claires. There is only one girl working which should have been my big red flag to do it another day. But she was so cute. She got in the chair, pushed the bear over. She didn't need to hold no bear! They clean her ears and she is sitting up all big and tall. Markers? No problem. We are ready for the first gun. She doesn't blink. We ask her if she wants Mema to hold her (I am videoing this). NOPE. Line up. Shoot.

Meltdown. Oh she cried. I held her and she cried for about a minute. We showed her the earring and she fell in love! She said she was Beautiful! Yeah! And it doesn't hurt. She agreed. I asked her if she wanted me to hold her for the second one. Yep. Fine. I sat down with her. Such a brave little girl I have.

Line up. Fine. Shoot. Cries. ok. no problem. I hold her.
The girl says uhoh.
The earring didn't come out of the gun. It pierced her ear... almost. Didn't go all the way through. Didn't come out.
I am a little occupied with my baby having a nervous breakdown. Shh shh shh shh shh.
I try not to cry. What are we going to do?
She says she doesn't know. She needs to call her manager. ugh.
Apparently this happens sometimes. The solution? Leave the ear alone for a day, come back and get it shot again.
You want me to do this to my child again?? I have already scarred her!!! (yeah in reality she is down trying on hats with Sarah no worse for wear but I AM SCARRED!!)
I tell Madison to come here. We will take the first earring out. We will do this again when she is older (I know... insert should have listened to hubby taunting here).
Maddie says no. She WUVS her earwing.
Maddie, I say. You can't have one earring. Lets take it out.
I don't know what to do. My child is running around with ONE ear pierced! ONE!
She is not a little boy in the early 90's. This is not cool. But she loves it. She cleaned it herself. Shows it off with pride.
I ask her what she wants to do. She said she wants to try again tomorrow.
I DON'T WANT TO TRY AGAIN TOMORROW. I am a nervous wreck and have been on the verge of crying ever since. My stomach is knotting. My nerves are shot.

The kid is braver than her mommy. Which is good cause she is tough and strong. But scary because she is hard headed and stubborn.
I don't know if I will be able to go back and do it again. Maybe I will just send her with Mema.
I want to cry...

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Sarah's first...

Bad word.

It would happen as we are getting dressed and ready to go to church on Sunday. I had just gotten my dog groomed. There is nothing my dog loves more after a 50 dollar bath than rolling in the dirt. I go out with him so I can police his every move and yell when I see the evil thoughts in his pretty brown eyes.
I am getting my jacket on and Sarah asks if she can come with me? I tell her no, I will be right back. Where are you going? She asks. I tell her I will be right back and let the dog out.
A minute later hubby opens the front door and asks that I come in.
He tells Sarah to repeat what she said.

She looks at me and said

"I said where the hell is she going?"

oh boy. At least she didn't ask while we were AT church.

Friday, February 20, 2009

It was an Accident.

Several things can be accidents. There are car accidents. There are spilling accidents. No one means to spill 5 dollar cups of delicious Mexican cheese goodness. If your like me you spend the majority of the day being sorry for stepping on people, bumping into people, hitting people. Yes you can accidentally hit people, stretching, reacting to loudness... many ways.
Accidents happen.

Madison started crying.

Me- what are you crying about Maddie?
Me- Madison, I don't understand crying. What happened?
Me- Sarah, why is Maddie crying?
Sarah- I donno.
Maddie - Sarah (mumbling sob) me!!!!!
Me - Sarah, did you hit your sister?
Sarah - (sheepishly) no.
Me- What did you do to her?
Sarah - I didn't mean it
Me - Did you bite her!?!
Sarah - It was an accident.

Why can't they accidentally lay down and take a nap?

Monday, February 16, 2009

Serious advice for the new Redneck.

It is official now. You have now embarked on a very interesting journey in your short life. I am like you, not born into this lifestyle but find myself legally bound now. I want to share some nuggets of their reality that would have made my transition go much smoother had I known.

It will take a while to get the language down. They don't pronounce vowels. If they said Pen we would understand they were asking for a writing utensil. But they say PIN. Because this causes confusion they have to specify. They need an INK PIN.
They do not heat water to a boil. They heat water to a bowl.
Same thing with oil. No oil. owl. You will be clueless for a long time. Pay attention, if you miss a word you might be able to deduce what they meant with the rest of the conversation.

Do not throw bacon grease out. EVER. I don't know what happens to bacon after it is heated but it must be incredible because it must be instantly transferred to a coffee mug and kept between the stove and the kitchen sink.
If they find out you say... threw it out, poured it down a drain (okay in the south, not so okay up there in O Canada where it will solidify instantly and really tick daddy off) or even pour it over the dogs food, fainting will ensue. Put the liquid gold in the coffee mug and don't ask questions.

Speaking of dogs. Don't fall in love with a particular breed. Dogs are only acquired when one
A. Won't leave the yard.
B. A friend of a friend of a friends mutt had puppies.
C. They were at the flea market and you threw a fit.
Redneck dogs are never to be paid for, and if they are it is never more than 20 bucks, Cause dogs are free. But don't get attached, if it gets sick it will disappear and you will have to wait on another free dog to find you.

Flea Markets. Ah. They are a way of life. Get used to them. Rednecks are required to attend at least one a week. Weddings are planned around the operation hours of the flea market. It is completely normal to see a pregnant woman walking around long after her water broke looking for a camo onsie.

Camo. (sigh). It doesn't matter if you hunt. You have to have at least one outfit that is completely camouflage. Head to toe, including under garments. Die hard rednecks have the bedspread, sheets and couch cover.

You are 5, so be prepared in 3 years to learn how to use a gun. I don't care what your disabilities are every redneck needs to be able to shoot the beer can off of their mothers head by age 8.

Driving may wait a year or two, depending on how tall you are. You should be able to drive well by 12 so that you can go get your parents from the local bar. If you are all swervey and get pulled over the cop will lay into your parents for not teaching you how to drive properly and it is back to the cow field for more practice for you.

Don't tip the cow. I don't care if there is nothing better to do when you are drunk and 13, it is mean. That point I do not waiver in.

When you are driving down the road and you see a sign for "Seasoned fire wood" do not ask what it has been seasoned with. Apparently we are supposed to know that it means the wood has sat for a year. You will never live that one down and it will be brought up anytime you are meeting new rednecks as proof you are an outsider.

Pick a tooth that you don't like and have it removed. You won't fit in if you have all your teeth. The fewer you have the more advanced you are in the hierarchy of Rednecks. Try not to cry when the scary old ladies at the flea markets without teeth try to touch you. You must not insult Rednecks with fewer teeth than you.

You will notice that soft drinks are often drank from a bottle you can see through, with a cap. This is a must. If you HAVE to drink out of a can do it quick and don't put it down. If your can has been on a table for as little as 3 seconds let it go. It is gone.
NEVER, EVER, EVER drink out of that can again.
You can never tell who around you needs to spit out the juice from their smokeless tobacco. Everyone does it. Does not matter if they are under 10, over 90, female, pregnant, or even smoking a cigarette already. The last thing in the world you want to do is mistake someones dip can for your Mountain Dew.

I hope this helps. It will give you a running start anyway.
Enjoy your new family, they love you more than you know and you are very lucky to have them.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Oh Boy, not again.

Sarah has been quite um... active the past few days. Not listening, not stopping. Just I guess being a 4 year old. Last night, right about at the end of the rope I tell them to go in my bedroom and take their clothes off and we would be right in to help them get jammies on and get ready for bed.
They are in there about 40 seconds when I hear them jumping on the bed. So don't have the energy to care. Then I heard a pretty loud thud, sounding very much like 38 lbs of Maddie bug hitting the floor. Then she cries. ugh.
Now Maddie is my whiner. She cries over everything and anything. Didn't run in there because I really thought she was fine. I pick her up and she tells me she has a boo boo. Uh huh. Kiss it. Cradle and rock her. She doesn't stop.
I look at her hand and she won't let me touch it. uh oh.
I feel her arm, it feels ok (I went and became an ortho dr over the weekend ya know!) I feel her hand and she screams. I ask her where it hurts and she points to smack dab the center of her hand.

Seriously, what are the odds? What are the odds that both my kids would break the same bone within 3 months?
But more than that, what are the odds that the doctors are going to NOT turn me in for breaking my kids hands? There is a great amount of talent involved in breaking the bone Sarah broke back in the first of December. If they both have a hand (opposite hand on this one btw) that happens to have the same broken bone they are surely going to think I am breaking their hands.
I tell myself that we would be fine. They have their own rooms and beds and clothes. We have food and a semi clean house. I ponder staying up late and cleaning their rooms which currently look like... well, like kids live in them (sigh).
I give her some midol and figure we would wait and see if it swelled overnight.
Not being neglectful, but I know at this point a trip to the ER would do nothing but get me a bill and a number to an Orthopedic doctor for a cast on Monday.

I woke up this morning praying her hand was okay. They look so pitiful with those little casts on. Please be okay bug. I look at it while she is sleeping and it looks okay. Whew.
She wakes up and I ask her how she feels. She says her hand "still huwrts". awe. My broken Maddie Bug. But she can bend it and use it and hasn't mentioned it in a few hours.
We are lucky on this one.

Isn't it funny tho that the one thing you fear most when your a good parent is someone thinking your not?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


It was spring today. Yeah full out spring on Feb. 9th. I will have to check to see if we hit the record of 71, the thought it was going to hit 70. Anyway, it was nice out. I decided to take the girls to the park and let them run around.
Sarah started off climbing up this pole with discs on them. She had done it 3 or 4 times when she declares to me that she does not need help (I had not been helping her at all mind you) and she can do it all by herself! She gets 3 discs up and falls off. It was so funny. She had her hand up on a disc and dangled for a split second before falling on her face.
I shouldn't laugh, I know I shouldn't but there is few things funnier than your kid being all "I don't need you" and then falling on their face. Karma kid. Karma. You need momma FOREVER.
We went for a walk and some lady is walking a rat on a string. Sarah of course falls in love at first site. I tell her it is a Chiwawa.
"Chiwawa?? Oh, mommy can we get one."
"why? It is so cute!"
"Because it would be breakfast for nubby (cat)" The cat has eaten rats twice that dogs size. I have seen her down in the field... I know.
The girls start to race around the walking trail. I am going to have to take video of Maddie running. I can't describe it. She moves her butt while she runs and it looks like she is always a step away from taking a nosedive into the concrete. They run pretty far, Sarah gets a pain in her side and we tell her it is from running, to slow down. Which worked for 20 seconds until the little one got ahead of her. We can walk about as fast as Maddie can run but she gets so excited when she is in front. She was yelling for us to "hurry up and run like me!!" funny kid.
We go play on the playground some more and I notice 3 geese. Which normally would not be that big of a deal, but these geese were HUGE. Ginormous geese. Their flippers were about the size of my husbands hand spread wide open. Their necks are what stood out the most I think. They were not so much necks as fire hoses. Nuts how thick their necks were. I could not help but wonder how much wringing it would take... nevermind.
Maddie freaks out. She starts hiding behind me and getting all timid which is completely out of character.
So we walk away and Sarah notices a couple ducks on the lake and asks if we can sit down and watch them on the bench. Sure.
These are obviously ducks that have been here a while. We sit, they come. Sarah asks why they care coming towards us and my mom tells her they think we have food. Sarah yells "We don't have food ducks!"
They still come. Maddie is getting nervous again because the geese are on their way over. Those big Honkin geese are closing in fast too.
Me, not being one to forgo an opportunity to scar my children for life tell her, Maddie, relax they just want to check your pockets to see if you have food."
She covers one pocket with both hands and stares at them. "I don't have food! Gooses!"
They get closer and she gets more desperate. "I don't have food gooses!!!!!!"
he he he he
I say, come on honey, lets go to the truck.
She won't move. The geese have stopped and are now staring at her. She has her gaze fixed to theirs. A tumble weed blows by... (whatever, shut up).
I try to prod her to move. Nothing.

So I do what any normal, caring mother would do.

I scream that there are more behind her and she better RUN!!

I get a call later from my hubby asking why Maddie is afraid of birds wanting to eat her pockets. I have no idea....

Monday, February 9, 2009


Yesterday as we were coming home from church my mother calls. Well, she called DURING church and I was returning her call after church.
She then tell me that she called me yesterday, did I get the message? No, I didn't. What did you want?
"Why didn't you get the message? What were you doing yesterday?"
Now I will just say here that nothing is ever easy. I can't just ask a simple question and get a simple question. EVER. She can't just tell me what she wanted without me going over every aspect of what I did the day before and reasons I was too lazy to hit the play button on the answering machine.
We get through all of that and she tells me that she was at target yesterday and she saw 2 kitties and just wanted to let me know.
You can feel the boiling now can't you?
Did she get a Kitty? No. But she called.
When I ask why she didn't buy it and bring it to me she said she doesn't have 40 bucks to waste on a stupid cat (GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRR).
I tell her I would have paid her back to which she replies with "uh huh".

I go to Target and I see them. They are both there. The one to the left sees me instantly and mews a greeting. Stupid cat. I pick up the one on the right hoping it is broken but as soon as I have it at eye level it starts. It mews all the way to the front register and startles the feller ringing it up. He he. So it wasn't all bad.
I put it in the truck, back seat, on the floor so it isn't staring at me. I leave it there so I can sneak it in after bed time. It is a Valentines present.

Fast forward to this morning. I procrastinate very much this morning so I am rushed to get them dressed and run out the door. It is so pretty out today and we are going to get Mema (me mudder) and we are going to the park.
While we are getting dressed Madison says she has to go potty. She sits down and goes potty!!
All 3 of us are doing a potty dance and the girls get a mini candy bar as a reward for Maddie going potty (kid loves sugar and I have to get her attention). She is sooo excited and she is going to tell Mema and she is going to be soo proud of her! So we run out the door and bounce into the truck. I open the back door to lift Madison in and I hear "MEW!". I forgot to get the Kitty.
Sarah screams and swings her door open so she can see it.
There is not much I can do from here. I tell them it is for Valentines day and give it to them.
We get to Memas and my mom looks at Sarah holding the Kitty, still in the box and says "I thought you said it was for Valentines day?"
I sigh and set in for another round of 2o questions. Why did I leave it in the truck? Did I not think of it this morning? Why would I give it to them before valetines day? Did I win the lottery that I can just buy the girls 40 dollar presents because it is Monday?? Don't I know that I shouldn't leave things in the truck cause people will steal them? Yada yada yada.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Hide and Seek.

It was quite beautiful out today. A little odd in that it was 65 degrees and we still had a snowman sitting in the front yard. No snow, just the mound that was the snowman. After we got home from breakfast the head had fallen off making it hard to look at. The girls first snowman was dying a snow death in the yard. I couldn't watch.

But the girls wanted to go outside and play. I am not an outdoor playing person. I enjoy a park like the rest of us but backyard? Eh.
But I went. Sarah and I had fun thowing balls at hubby while he rode around on the 4 wheeler. Then Sarah suggested we play hide n seek.
Not a bad idea. Madison does a great job of hiding. She will be clearly visible at all times. In the rare occasion you are not looking in her direction she will give herself away by telling you to look at her!
She didn't much play.
While I was hunting my husband she asked me what I was doing. I told her I was looking for daddy! She said "oh, Daddy is right there." and disclosed his hiding place. I love a good rat.

It was Sarah's turn to hunt and so I took Madison with me to hide. We went and got in the bed of Uncle Drew's truck and laid down. This was perfect! We are laying there, looking up at the cloudless sky through tree branches that are budding for spring. It was so quiet and peaceful. Maddie and I were holding hands and she is studying my finger nails. She tells me she is a good hider and I agreed. she was doing a great job.

It is around this point in time she take my pointer finger and sticks it into her nose. She twists and pulls it out. I look at my finger and there is a booger in my fingernail. I remove it and flick it out of the truck and asked her why she did that. She tells me "I had a booger in my nose!"
I ask her why she didn't get it out on her own.

"Because Mommy! It was a big booger!!"

Yeah, it was a big booger. Crazy kid.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

I am going to rip my hair OUT!

Either rip my hair out or put my head through a wall. Maybe kick my butt. Yeah. THAT will teach me. I GIVE UP!
Not really. I can' t give up. You know why? Because I am a frickin mommy that is why. All I want to do is chuck it up into the oh well bin but I have a 4 year old that doesn't forget anything. You think I am kidding? We were walking down an aisle at Target and she says, Mommy, do you remember when we were here with Beaux and we went to starbucks and you got me and Maddie that coffee drink to share?
Yeah. That was a year ago last OCTOBER. The kid doesn't forget. She was barely 3 then. Does not forget.
So of course she is not going to forget that Santa forgot to bring her the illusive white kitty. I didn't know the fricking thing was illusive when I saw it everywhere I went. When it was on Amazon for 25 bucks. Nope. It was everywhere. Everywhere I looked the ugly thing was sitting right there blinking at me. I hate you kitty. I hate you with passions. I hope that Biscut the fur real friends puppy is chewing on your head.
I need that kitty...

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

RIP dear fridge.

I woke up yesterday and bounced around the house (not as in bouncy ball hyper but as pinball drunken stupor from 5 hours of sleep) getting everyone their "needs". Dog needs out. Kids need juice. Breakfast? ugh. I sleep in my contacts so everything was hazy because I had not put drops in yet so I could not see a frickin thing. Okay. I remember that we have toaster strudels and Sarah saw a commercial and asked if we can get some the day before so I am thinking I will dig them out and make them that for breakfast. Easy, yummy, will buy me a good 15 minutes.
I open the freezer to dig out the box and notice that the first thing I pick up is a little squishy. Things are not supposed to be squishy in the freezer!
The blasted thing died in the night.
Hubby calls and I tell him. He comes home at 11 so we can go find a replacement. Easy right? We measure the hole and go. We find one we like. They can have it to us by Thursday. I have a laundry basket full of freezer food on my back porch packed with snow. Can't keep it that way until Thursday!
We find another one. They can have it in on Thursday.
I think for a moment about his sanity.

We pick a floor model and tell them to wrap it up.
You want to hear a fun thing about fridges? For every minute they are laying down they have to wait an HOUR to be plugged up. True we are only about 10 minutes from home but we needs to plug it up as soon as we get it in. So it was funny watching them stand the fridge up in the back of the truck and us trying to "secure" it with twine. We creep home hoping the thing doesn't fall over... it would be our luck of course.
So we get it home safe and sound. Back the truck up. Guess what! It won't fit through the front door.
It is just funny at this point.
Hubby takes the doors off, and an hour or so later it is in, reassembled and I am stocking it.
I love it.
It is so pretty.
It has ice in the door!
Or at least it will when they hook up the water line.

The Land of Uncare

Okay, it is not so much a land but an existence. I have been there for years. I care about the big stuff, but otherwise.. eh. I don't care. It is right there in the title, I don't care, shut up I'm talking. I don't care.
I go to school when I think of it, cause eh, I don't care.
I don't do housework because I don't care.
I don't leave the house unless someone drags me.
Honestly the list can go on forever because I don't do ANYTHING. I don't care.

So we all remember a couple months ago when I ventured off the birth control and suddenly felt a wave of emotions. It wasn't so much what I felt, or how I felt but the fact that I felt that stood out. I felt. I felt sad. I felt happy. I felt driven. I planned, and plotted and looked ahead. I loved. I FELT.

I put the ring back in and last month I was right back smack dab in the lonely center of I don't Careville. Yeah, it can be fun to not care. But I had fun caring. I laughed over nothing. I laughed till I cried. Ashley was ready to send me upstairs to play with the crazy old people. I felt.
I didn't feel last month. I am back to being bitter and selfish and hateful and rude and go ahead, fill in the blank with the word you think goes here.

So there was a post on that got me thinking about the cause of my issues being Birth control. Hormones. Evil hormones. I don't know if it is what is making me feel the way I do, but I know I am willing to stop them and see how it goes. No, I am not trying to get pregnant, Carrie still has to lose a 12 year old, but I want to try to get normal.

I know that today, even at only day 9 with no BC I am feeling the compassion for those I didn't extend it to before. I feel guilt for the way I think about some things. I feel hopeful for the plans I want to make. I feel blessed and humbled. I feel softer. Not in the weak, walk on me soft, I will still kick your tail - watch it. But soft, and comfortable in me. I like it here.