Saturday, November 15, 2008

Seasoned Wood.

I am a Yankee. I am proud to be a Yankee. Growing up in NY has given me insight others do not have. But moving to the south there have been some things that I do not understand. If you don't grow up with some terms you have no idea what they mean! It is not that I am stupid, I am simply not educated in the hick talk.

We were driving down the road and I noticed a beautiful pile of wood. A sign made out of cardboard and red spray paint (the same color was used to spruce up the pick up in which said wood was contained) said "Seasoned wood fur sale". I am going to let that go. I have seen signs in the past, the funniest of which was "Far wood for sale" That took me a while. Far wood? really? How Far away is this wood from? Do I have to go get it? Is there cutting involved? Because I am not a go find it chop it and bring it home kinda girl. Can I drive? But no, Far wood would surely cause sweating. That might be considered exercise. I will just pick some up at Kroger all bagged up with a handle as to not risk nail chippage.

So we drive by this red truck with the fire wood. Seasoned wood. That sounds fun! I imagine burning this wood in my fire place. It has been a while, because you can't burn a fire with children around. At least not my children. They have hair, it stinks when it gets to burning.
But they are older now. They could comprehend, do not touch the fire. Stay away from the fire.
I am excited!

So I ask my husband, the love of my life, father of my children, person whom I have chosen to entrust my secrets and share my eternity with (well, or until he really pisses me off, which ever comes first). I ask him, What do you think they season it with? Cinnamon? Maybe some apple spice? It might smell sooo good!

He stares at me. Looks at me like I have 3 noses.

Do they use something stupid that makes it smell like pine, because I can get trees that smell like pine in my yard.

He tells me. Like I am the uneducated one. Why does the redneck with the spray painted pick up just tell me it is AGED a season!?!
Stupid wood. I didn't want a fire anyway.

1 comment:

Ash said...

This made me laugh. At you... but still a good laugh. If you dump your husband we would make good lezzies. But I guess I am considered a southerner too so maybe you should stay with him. Plus he has a penis so he can give you babies. I cant. Oh, penis envy....