Kindergarten

My baby started kindergarten. Old news to some but I keep meaning to write this down so here you go. :)

I had Maddie spend the night at my mothers house so I could properly savor the moments. We get up and she has an outfit picked out that is most definately against the dress code, dress with spaghetti straps and flip flops but I am going to pretend I don't know because she looks adorable.

I give her a bath, french braid her hair give her cereal and take pictures. The kid is very excited. For weeks she has been bouncing off the wall. The night before I called home and hubby says Sarah put herself to bed a half hour early because she wanted morning to get here faster. I ask him why, if she has been in bed for 2 hours can I hear her in the background? The kid is in her bed giggling to herself too excited to sleep.

We get to the school after pictures outside, pictures of her buckling into her car seat and pictures of her riding to school and she tells me she does not have time for any more pictures! Bah.

So I walk my bouncing kid inside and we go to the table we are supposed to register at, I get a card for pick up and directions to walk her into this room and LEAVE HER (those people are brutal) then go to the library to meet with the principal.

I walk her into the class and it is at this point my child leaves me. Walks away. There are mothers around me with kids clinging, crying, hugging. My kid? Gone. Yep. She sat herself down at a table and is happily coloring. WHAT? Um. Mommy needs a hug! Not a goodbye, not a be good, not a I will miss you! Just... gone.

I walk towards her to give her a hug where I am intercepted and told to "go on over to the library mom, she is fine." I know she is fine. I can see that She is fine! Mommy is not fine!

I get to the library and sit down. The assistant principal is there going over basics, pick up, lunch, website, yeah, got it people. Then the principal comes in. The principal who, I am sure under any other circumstances is charming, starts off his time to talk by reading us a book. His pick? The Kissing Hand. Have you read it? I had not until that day and lemme tell you, that is not a book you read to a room full of emotional parents that didn't get to hug their kid goodbye today! It is a story about a momma raccoon who is preparing her kid for school and kisses his hand and says when you miss mommy put your hand to your face and that is me kissing you. When they get to school the baby raccoon kisses his mommas hand and tells HER when you miss me hold your hand to your face.

Stupid book.

When they were talking about pick up they said you could either come in with your card, or use car line. I was thinking, well I got robbed of my departure so I can go get her and get a joyous reunion!

I walk in the door with my card and am pounced upon by a teacher who shoos me out the door so the kids can practice. Why tell me I can come in if your going to yell at me for coming in!
So much for a joyous reunion. I get in line, I show them my card, they walkie talkie inside the school to send Sarah to the green cone.

Then my child is in my car. I ask her how school was, and she says very dryly, fine. What? I dropped this kid off 4 hours ago wired for sound and now she looked defeated. I ask her what is wrong, she says nothing. I know my child, I know there is something wrong. I was not completely on board with this kindergarten at 4 idea I will pull her out after 4 hours! She tells me she got in trouble.

See, if this was Madison and you told me she stabbed someone with a pencil I would believe it. But Sarah is my pleaser. The kid wants to help and make you happy, if she did something wrong it is because she didn't know, so I tell her to tell me so we can talk about it and make sure she doesn't get in trouble again.

She tells me they kicked her out of school. I am confused. She says
" I was in the gym playing with my new friends and they yelled at me put my backpack on and kicked me out of school!"
Just now when I picked you up?
"yeah."

So when they called into the school for her they had to get her to the green cone fast and when they called her name and sent her to me she thought she was in trouble and got kicked out of school.

Poor kid.

blah

So hubby and I figured we would get the girls guinea pigs for Easter. Sounds cute right? I have never had one, although I did have hamsters. Surely guinea pigs are better than hamsters right?

I picked out my hamster because she bit me. I was young and stupid and thought that I wanted a feisty one. Yea..
So after a week or so I feel things in her belly. I tell my parents that my hamster is preggo. No, couldn't be, crazy 13 year old is imagining things. The lumps inside her belly? Tumors. Have to be tumors.
I think they were in denial.
Anywho, a couple weeks later I wake up and lo and behold.. babies. 9 of them. Cuter than cute on cute I tell you, I don't care if they were bald and looked like little maggots with legs they were BABY HAMSTERS! I loved them.
She however... I donno.
I tell myself that they died. Her babies were dying off one a day of natural causes (maybe I wanted to be a crazy 13 year old ok). I want to believe she wasn't eating them alive. I know! ick!! I was tramatized!! Except MY hampster was a little evil I think because she would always leave a leg. One uneaten egg in her nest with the others. Maybe she was taunting them, all "you better be good or I will eat you, and I am NOT bluffing!"
Sigh
I saved the last two, loved them until they died of NATURAL causes. Sick hamster.

So of course, guinea pigs have to be better than THAT right?

Well, I wouldn't know.

I tried to find a guinea pig, 2 in time for Easter. Apparently these rodents are a rarity. We have a Guinea pig rescue in town. I have called, emailed.. no response. I was WILLING to sign application forms and do their house check/meeting to make sure I knew what I was getting myself into. I say Willing because they have them in a petstore, but I was thinking hey, lets get them from somewhere OTHER then the guinea pig mill... right? Right.
And I figure these have been in someone elses care for a while, I can trust they wouldn't be knocked up when I brought it home.

They said they have TONS of these things running around needing homes. I have a home in need of little rodents running around.

(sigh)

I tried to talk my husband into getting a cat instead. I say, with a cat we don't need to buy a cage, and bedding and water spicket, and toys and 4 types of food or anything to gnaw on. We need a food bowl and a litter box. It is SOOO much easier to change a litter box instead of a guinea pig cage.
I think he is still tramatized by Baxter...

So here I sit. No kitty. No rodents. blah.

Weeeeee

So for my birthday hubby has surprised me with a Wii Fit. I say surprised me because we had agreed or so I thought that we didn't need to spend the money and he couldn't find it anyway. But lo and behold one arrived to my doorstep 2 days ago.

I can only say.. wow. I can't tell you how many things I have bought with the intention of utilizing them and getting in shape. I also cant tell you where they all are because after they sit out for a few months hubby puts them out of the way. I find them every so often covered in dust and think... oh THATS where THAT went. huh.
But that is about the end of it.

The only thing that has survived is the balance ball. But more in that it is multi functional. It soothes a crying baby faster than nyquil. Both of mine have loved it. It is also helpful when the girls want me to load a movie, I can sit on that instead of getting on the floor. he he.

Anyway.
I have been sore for 3 days now. A good sore. A fun sore. You really don't feel like your working out. There are a few downsides.

First. The kids love it. The 2 year old can do almost everything. I have to share. I am not good at the sharing.

Second. It weighs you. You have this fun little Mii character that you can make to look like you, right? Yea when it weighs you your cute little mii gets fat. Like PLUMPS up right there and it says "THATS OBESE."
I know I am fat. you don't have to rub it in.

Third. When the girls get on the board to play it says yea! When I get on it is says "OH"

It is a big ol fat joke. Mean little Wii creators. not nice.

Put it does keep track of your progress, and it is really fun. I am hoping this sticks. Since the kids come running into my room every morning wanting to play mommys game I am thinking it might. They play it all day!

OH! It is my turn!!

Maddies Big Day.

The day started out with me and my children going to my mothers house and sitting around looking at each other bored. Sarah asked if Mema would cut her bangs cause they were in her eyes. Sarah got her bangs cut and Maddie asked for hers cut. Mema is getting ready to when I say, lets just go get her hair cut. I have been meaning to for a while. You see, her hair is crazy. She has 2, count em 2 cowlicks. Both going in opposite directions. The top of her hair is straight. Underneath? Curley. So she has this volume from the curls which is cute, but the top strands that are straight stick straight out of her head. I can't leave it down cause she looks like a crazy wild child.

She is sooo brave. We are driving and she says, after we get my hair cut Mighty Maddie wants blue earwings. I ignore her. My mom says, lets do it. I tell her no. Hubby has this thing against earrings. Wants them to be old enough to know what they are asking for. I would have had them done when they were babies, but some things aren't important enough to battle over, this is one of them. I tell my mom no earrings, not gonna fight.
I call hubby and the miracle of miracles happens, he says he doesn't care.
So I tell Madison. Daddy said you can get your ears pierced. She immediately says no. What? When I said daddy wouldn't let you get them done you wanted them. I tell you he said you can and now you don't want them? She says yep.
I tell her Daddy said no and she says Mighty Maddie wants bwew earwings!! Whatever kid. Lets go get your hair cut.
We get in the hair cuttin place and she is determined. They call her name and she marches up there and sits down and tells her she is going go get her hair cut! She sits still, poses for pictures. My big girl.... hair looks crazy as usual, but shorter. I will have to find a magician for her hair apparently.
She struts out. Lets go get my ears pierced! She proclaims. Fine.
We go to Claires. There is only one girl working which should have been my big red flag to do it another day. But she was so cute. She got in the chair, pushed the bear over. She didn't need to hold no bear! They clean her ears and she is sitting up all big and tall. Markers? No problem. We are ready for the first gun. She doesn't blink. We ask her if she wants Mema to hold her (I am videoing this). NOPE. Line up. Shoot.

Meltdown. Oh she cried. I held her and she cried for about a minute. We showed her the earring and she fell in love! She said she was Beautiful! Yeah! And it doesn't hurt. She agreed. I asked her if she wanted me to hold her for the second one. Yep. Fine. I sat down with her. Such a brave little girl I have.

Line up. Fine. Shoot. Cries. ok. no problem. I hold her.
The girl says uhoh.
UhOH!?
The earring didn't come out of the gun. It pierced her ear... almost. Didn't go all the way through. Didn't come out.
I am a little occupied with my baby having a nervous breakdown. Shh shh shh shh shh.
I try not to cry. What are we going to do?
She says she doesn't know. She needs to call her manager. ugh.
Apparently this happens sometimes. The solution? Leave the ear alone for a day, come back and get it shot again.
SHOT AGAIN??
You want me to do this to my child again?? I have already scarred her!!! (yeah in reality she is down trying on hats with Sarah no worse for wear but I AM SCARRED!!)
I tell Madison to come here. We will take the first earring out. We will do this again when she is older (I know... insert should have listened to hubby taunting here).
Maddie says no. She WUVS her earwing.
Maddie, I say. You can't have one earring. Lets take it out.
NO! MY EARWING!!!
I don't know what to do. My child is running around with ONE ear pierced! ONE!
She is not a little boy in the early 90's. This is not cool. But she loves it. She cleaned it herself. Shows it off with pride.
I ask her what she wants to do. She said she wants to try again tomorrow.
I DON'T WANT TO TRY AGAIN TOMORROW. I am a nervous wreck and have been on the verge of crying ever since. My stomach is knotting. My nerves are shot.

The kid is braver than her mommy. Which is good cause she is tough and strong. But scary because she is hard headed and stubborn.
I don't know if I will be able to go back and do it again. Maybe I will just send her with Mema.
I want to cry...

Sarah's first...

Bad word.

It would happen as we are getting dressed and ready to go to church on Sunday. I had just gotten my dog groomed. There is nothing my dog loves more after a 50 dollar bath than rolling in the dirt. I go out with him so I can police his every move and yell when I see the evil thoughts in his pretty brown eyes.
I am getting my jacket on and Sarah asks if she can come with me? I tell her no, I will be right back. Where are you going? She asks. I tell her I will be right back and let the dog out.
A minute later hubby opens the front door and asks that I come in.
He tells Sarah to repeat what she said.

She looks at me and said

"I said where the hell is she going?"

oh boy. At least she didn't ask while we were AT church.

It was an Accident.

Several things can be accidents. There are car accidents. There are spilling accidents. No one means to spill 5 dollar cups of delicious Mexican cheese goodness. If your like me you spend the majority of the day being sorry for stepping on people, bumping into people, hitting people. Yes you can accidentally hit people, stretching, reacting to loudness... many ways.
Accidents happen.

Madison started crying.

Me- what are you crying about Maddie?
Her - WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Me- Madison, I don't understand crying. What happened?
Her - Sarah! WWWWWWWAAHHHHHH!!!
Me- Sarah, why is Maddie crying?
Sarah- I donno.
Maddie - Sarah (mumbling sob) me!!!!!
Me - Sarah, did you hit your sister?
Sarah - (sheepishly) no.
Me- What did you do to her?
Sarah - I didn't mean it
Me - Did you bite her!?!
Sarah - It was an accident.

Why can't they accidentally lay down and take a nap?

Serious advice for the new Redneck.

It is official now. You have now embarked on a very interesting journey in your short life. I am like you, not born into this lifestyle but find myself legally bound now. I want to share some nuggets of their reality that would have made my transition go much smoother had I known.

It will take a while to get the language down. They don't pronounce vowels. If they said Pen we would understand they were asking for a writing utensil. But they say PIN. Because this causes confusion they have to specify. They need an INK PIN.
They do not heat water to a boil. They heat water to a bowl.
Same thing with oil. No oil. owl. You will be clueless for a long time. Pay attention, if you miss a word you might be able to deduce what they meant with the rest of the conversation.

Do not throw bacon grease out. EVER. I don't know what happens to bacon after it is heated but it must be incredible because it must be instantly transferred to a coffee mug and kept between the stove and the kitchen sink.
If they find out you say... threw it out, poured it down a drain (okay in the south, not so okay up there in O Canada where it will solidify instantly and really tick daddy off) or even pour it over the dogs food, fainting will ensue. Put the liquid gold in the coffee mug and don't ask questions.

Speaking of dogs. Don't fall in love with a particular breed. Dogs are only acquired when one
A. Won't leave the yard.
B. A friend of a friend of a friends mutt had puppies.
C. They were at the flea market and you threw a fit.
Redneck dogs are never to be paid for, and if they are it is never more than 20 bucks, Cause dogs are free. But don't get attached, if it gets sick it will disappear and you will have to wait on another free dog to find you.

Flea Markets. Ah. They are a way of life. Get used to them. Rednecks are required to attend at least one a week. Weddings are planned around the operation hours of the flea market. It is completely normal to see a pregnant woman walking around long after her water broke looking for a camo onsie.

Camo. (sigh). It doesn't matter if you hunt. You have to have at least one outfit that is completely camouflage. Head to toe, including under garments. Die hard rednecks have the bedspread, sheets and couch cover.

You are 5, so be prepared in 3 years to learn how to use a gun. I don't care what your disabilities are every redneck needs to be able to shoot the beer can off of their mothers head by age 8.

Driving may wait a year or two, depending on how tall you are. You should be able to drive well by 12 so that you can go get your parents from the local bar. If you are all swervey and get pulled over the cop will lay into your parents for not teaching you how to drive properly and it is back to the cow field for more practice for you.

Don't tip the cow. I don't care if there is nothing better to do when you are drunk and 13, it is mean. That point I do not waiver in.

When you are driving down the road and you see a sign for "Seasoned fire wood" do not ask what it has been seasoned with. Apparently we are supposed to know that it means the wood has sat for a year. You will never live that one down and it will be brought up anytime you are meeting new rednecks as proof you are an outsider.

Pick a tooth that you don't like and have it removed. You won't fit in if you have all your teeth. The fewer you have the more advanced you are in the hierarchy of Rednecks. Try not to cry when the scary old ladies at the flea markets without teeth try to touch you. You must not insult Rednecks with fewer teeth than you.

You will notice that soft drinks are often drank from a bottle you can see through, with a cap. This is a must. If you HAVE to drink out of a can do it quick and don't put it down. If your can has been on a table for as little as 3 seconds let it go. It is gone.
NEVER, EVER, EVER drink out of that can again.
You can never tell who around you needs to spit out the juice from their smokeless tobacco. Everyone does it. Does not matter if they are under 10, over 90, female, pregnant, or even smoking a cigarette already. The last thing in the world you want to do is mistake someones dip can for your Mountain Dew.

I hope this helps. It will give you a running start anyway.
Enjoy your new family, they love you more than you know and you are very lucky to have them.