Monday, February 16, 2009

Serious advice for the new Redneck.

It is official now. You have now embarked on a very interesting journey in your short life. I am like you, not born into this lifestyle but find myself legally bound now. I want to share some nuggets of their reality that would have made my transition go much smoother had I known.

It will take a while to get the language down. They don't pronounce vowels. If they said Pen we would understand they were asking for a writing utensil. But they say PIN. Because this causes confusion they have to specify. They need an INK PIN.
They do not heat water to a boil. They heat water to a bowl.
Same thing with oil. No oil. owl. You will be clueless for a long time. Pay attention, if you miss a word you might be able to deduce what they meant with the rest of the conversation.

Do not throw bacon grease out. EVER. I don't know what happens to bacon after it is heated but it must be incredible because it must be instantly transferred to a coffee mug and kept between the stove and the kitchen sink.
If they find out you say... threw it out, poured it down a drain (okay in the south, not so okay up there in O Canada where it will solidify instantly and really tick daddy off) or even pour it over the dogs food, fainting will ensue. Put the liquid gold in the coffee mug and don't ask questions.

Speaking of dogs. Don't fall in love with a particular breed. Dogs are only acquired when one
A. Won't leave the yard.
B. A friend of a friend of a friends mutt had puppies.
C. They were at the flea market and you threw a fit.
Redneck dogs are never to be paid for, and if they are it is never more than 20 bucks, Cause dogs are free. But don't get attached, if it gets sick it will disappear and you will have to wait on another free dog to find you.

Flea Markets. Ah. They are a way of life. Get used to them. Rednecks are required to attend at least one a week. Weddings are planned around the operation hours of the flea market. It is completely normal to see a pregnant woman walking around long after her water broke looking for a camo onsie.

Camo. (sigh). It doesn't matter if you hunt. You have to have at least one outfit that is completely camouflage. Head to toe, including under garments. Die hard rednecks have the bedspread, sheets and couch cover.

You are 5, so be prepared in 3 years to learn how to use a gun. I don't care what your disabilities are every redneck needs to be able to shoot the beer can off of their mothers head by age 8.

Driving may wait a year or two, depending on how tall you are. You should be able to drive well by 12 so that you can go get your parents from the local bar. If you are all swervey and get pulled over the cop will lay into your parents for not teaching you how to drive properly and it is back to the cow field for more practice for you.

Don't tip the cow. I don't care if there is nothing better to do when you are drunk and 13, it is mean. That point I do not waiver in.

When you are driving down the road and you see a sign for "Seasoned fire wood" do not ask what it has been seasoned with. Apparently we are supposed to know that it means the wood has sat for a year. You will never live that one down and it will be brought up anytime you are meeting new rednecks as proof you are an outsider.

Pick a tooth that you don't like and have it removed. You won't fit in if you have all your teeth. The fewer you have the more advanced you are in the hierarchy of Rednecks. Try not to cry when the scary old ladies at the flea markets without teeth try to touch you. You must not insult Rednecks with fewer teeth than you.

You will notice that soft drinks are often drank from a bottle you can see through, with a cap. This is a must. If you HAVE to drink out of a can do it quick and don't put it down. If your can has been on a table for as little as 3 seconds let it go. It is gone.
NEVER, EVER, EVER drink out of that can again.
You can never tell who around you needs to spit out the juice from their smokeless tobacco. Everyone does it. Does not matter if they are under 10, over 90, female, pregnant, or even smoking a cigarette already. The last thing in the world you want to do is mistake someones dip can for your Mountain Dew.

I hope this helps. It will give you a running start anyway.
Enjoy your new family, they love you more than you know and you are very lucky to have them.


motherbumper said...

Dip can for Mountain Dew - ewwwwwwww! Great advice :)

Amo said...

You had me laughing out loud. That, my dear, was my favorite!

Although, don't go gettin' all cocky on us now. Your green card ain't been stamped jus yet.

mommymoon_aurora said...

wow that was too frighteningly correct!

here's to rednecks everywhere

Rachel said...

That was so damn funny, I nearly hurt myself laughing and I *swear* I don't resemble any of those remarks.