Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The Land of Uncare

Okay, it is not so much a land but an existence. I have been there for years. I care about the big stuff, but otherwise.. eh. I don't care. It is right there in the title, I don't care, shut up I'm talking. I don't care.
I go to school when I think of it, cause eh, I don't care.
I don't do housework because I don't care.
I don't leave the house unless someone drags me.
Honestly the list can go on forever because I don't do ANYTHING. I don't care.

So we all remember a couple months ago when I ventured off the birth control and suddenly felt a wave of emotions. It wasn't so much what I felt, or how I felt but the fact that I felt that stood out. I felt. I felt sad. I felt happy. I felt driven. I planned, and plotted and looked ahead. I loved. I FELT.

I put the ring back in and last month I was right back smack dab in the lonely center of I don't Careville. Yeah, it can be fun to not care. But I had fun caring. I laughed over nothing. I laughed till I cried. Ashley was ready to send me upstairs to play with the crazy old people. I felt.
I didn't feel last month. I am back to being bitter and selfish and hateful and rude and go ahead, fill in the blank with the word you think goes here.

So there was a post on that got me thinking about the cause of my issues being Birth control. Hormones. Evil hormones. I don't know if it is what is making me feel the way I do, but I know I am willing to stop them and see how it goes. No, I am not trying to get pregnant, Carrie still has to lose a 12 year old, but I want to try to get normal.

I know that today, even at only day 9 with no BC I am feeling the compassion for those I didn't extend it to before. I feel guilt for the way I think about some things. I feel hopeful for the plans I want to make. I feel blessed and humbled. I feel softer. Not in the weak, walk on me soft, I will still kick your tail - watch it. But soft, and comfortable in me. I like it here.

1 comment:

Amo said...

Good for you! (I always knew about your soft underbelly, though.) :)